King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia's plan to recover a national treasure stolen from his country in Thailand 20 years ago was met with bitter defeat yesterday. The monarch's attempt to recover the famous blue diamond was foiled when, after summoning the entire Thai royal family to a secluded room in his palace in Saudi Arabia he gave them a chance to come clean.
"Now I'm going to leave for five minutes and when I come back that diamond had better be on my desk." Abdullah said.
Upon returning to the room after the five minutes had expired the sultan found it completely ransacked.
"Those motherfuckers took everything," Abdullah said. "They took the rugs, they stole the damn desk and they even took my fucking dog! That was a $7O,000 dog!"
Thai crown prince Vajiralongkorn, seen walking a dog looking very much like the sultan's with a suspiciously huge blue diomand hanging from its collar has denied all allegations of theft.
"As a representative of the Thai people I would never steal and then have sex numerous times on King Abdullah's rug," Vajiralongkorn said. "And I would certainly never use his dog to help engage in any of those lewd sex acts over and over again."
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
H1N1 now more popular in Thailand than current government coalition
The H1N1 death toll has reached 192 in Thailand according to news outlet Rueters, leading a majority of Thai citizens to shift their allegiance within the contentious constitutional democracy.
"We are tired of being gunned down during military coups or packed by the hundreds into trucks and suffocated during dissident crackdowns. We prefer to expire during a violent fever. It is much more humane." Bangkok resident Somkid Boonthanom said. "It is time for a new leadership! Viva H1N1!"
Meanwhile behind the scenes Thai King Bhumibol Adulyadej and the ultra powerful Thai royal family have ordered the discreet assassination of H1N1, purchasing millions of orders of a new vaccine earlier this month. Reports from those close to the Thai royal family indicate that the royals believe they will be able to defeat H1N1 with the vaccination program currently underway, but that they are disappointed that they won't have anything to rape or loot once the conflict is resolved in their favor.
Ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra also responded to the arrival of a new political heavyweight in the Thai arena.
"Let me first just say that H1N1 is an evil killer as are all of its supporters," Shinawatra said. "I don't condone violence, but if tens of thousands of my completely independent supporters were to suddenly rise up and burn down the city of bangkok in an attempt to destroy my infectious opponent on February 12 sometime between 5 and 11 pm, weeeellll I just wouldn't know what to say about that."
H1N1 could not be reached for comment as it is a fucking soulless virus, but it is assumed that the swine/avian flu combination is confident in it's chances of carrying the next election due in no small part to the unsanitary conditions of the Thai capitol of Bangkok and a human rights record that is far superior than that of its political opponents.
"We are tired of being gunned down during military coups or packed by the hundreds into trucks and suffocated during dissident crackdowns. We prefer to expire during a violent fever. It is much more humane." Bangkok resident Somkid Boonthanom said. "It is time for a new leadership! Viva H1N1!"
Meanwhile behind the scenes Thai King Bhumibol Adulyadej and the ultra powerful Thai royal family have ordered the discreet assassination of H1N1, purchasing millions of orders of a new vaccine earlier this month. Reports from those close to the Thai royal family indicate that the royals believe they will be able to defeat H1N1 with the vaccination program currently underway, but that they are disappointed that they won't have anything to rape or loot once the conflict is resolved in their favor.
Ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra also responded to the arrival of a new political heavyweight in the Thai arena.
"Let me first just say that H1N1 is an evil killer as are all of its supporters," Shinawatra said. "I don't condone violence, but if tens of thousands of my completely independent supporters were to suddenly rise up and burn down the city of bangkok in an attempt to destroy my infectious opponent on February 12 sometime between 5 and 11 pm, weeeellll I just wouldn't know what to say about that."
H1N1 could not be reached for comment as it is a fucking soulless virus, but it is assumed that the swine/avian flu combination is confident in it's chances of carrying the next election due in no small part to the unsanitary conditions of the Thai capitol of Bangkok and a human rights record that is far superior than that of its political opponents.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Islam in the crosshairs
This is the kind of stuff that makes me sick. A Somali man attempts to murder a cartoonist who draws the Islamic prophet Mohammad and the charge can't just be attempted murder, it has to be terrorism as well. "Phtew," that is the sound of me spitting on this prosecutor. Thanks to this person's zeal to heap as many charges on some crazy religious radical as possible we can now rest assured that there is no such thing as equal justice for Muslims. The Muslim attempted to murder the cartoonist. That's what it was! But nope, the prosecutor wants to further his career at the expense of justice, so the charge is terrorism.
I see this as wrong on two levels. First, I am sick and tired off prosecutors using the law, and the lives of men and women as tools to further their careers. What is with them throwing every charge imaginable at a man to try and see if they can make one stick? In my opinion this is nothing but sheer malice towards the citizenry they are supposed to serve, and the kind of callous disregard for human life and liberty that they are supposed to be preventing, NOT PROMOTING!
Second, why did the Danish cartoonist have to do his damnest to blaspheme the Muslim religion? Look, I'm all for defending free speech, and yes, this man has the right to draw whatever cartoon he wants. But knowing that this is the most disrespectful thing he can do to Islam, and still doing it, shows that this man is intentionally antagonizing Muslims. Get a life Danish cartoonists! There are better, less disrespectful ways to get your point across than drawing a cartoon of a religion's holiest prophet with a bomb on his head in the shape of a Turbin. And when you Blaspheme someone's messiah, don't be surprised when the craziest guy in the club tries to kill you. You brought it upon yourself.
So, just remember people. Justice has nothing to do with fairness or equality. And if you're Muslim, now would be a good time to watch your step. Big brother is watching you closer than ever.
I see this as wrong on two levels. First, I am sick and tired off prosecutors using the law, and the lives of men and women as tools to further their careers. What is with them throwing every charge imaginable at a man to try and see if they can make one stick? In my opinion this is nothing but sheer malice towards the citizenry they are supposed to serve, and the kind of callous disregard for human life and liberty that they are supposed to be preventing, NOT PROMOTING!
Second, why did the Danish cartoonist have to do his damnest to blaspheme the Muslim religion? Look, I'm all for defending free speech, and yes, this man has the right to draw whatever cartoon he wants. But knowing that this is the most disrespectful thing he can do to Islam, and still doing it, shows that this man is intentionally antagonizing Muslims. Get a life Danish cartoonists! There are better, less disrespectful ways to get your point across than drawing a cartoon of a religion's holiest prophet with a bomb on his head in the shape of a Turbin. And when you Blaspheme someone's messiah, don't be surprised when the craziest guy in the club tries to kill you. You brought it upon yourself.
So, just remember people. Justice has nothing to do with fairness or equality. And if you're Muslim, now would be a good time to watch your step. Big brother is watching you closer than ever.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Another good coach covers up another poor Big 12 coaching decision
Tommy Tuberville is a great hire for Texas Tech. Though he's not the equal of the man the school just fired due to his chilly relationship with the athletic department, Tuberville will probably keep Tech nationally relevant for at least a couple of years.
The problem is, Texas Tech isn't the kind of school that will allow Tuberville to recruit the kind of athletes it's going to take to line up and play winning smash mouth football in the Big 12. Tech will almost certainly trend away from the explosive finesse offensive attack that Mike Leach pioneered under Tuberville's stewardship, and that's too bad for Texas Tech. Expect Tech to eventually be relegated to it's familiar role as perennial cellar dweller within five years. It's sad to watch a program that redefined offence in college football implode like Texas Tech has, but, such is the grand circle of life. Here's ESPN's take on it.
The problem is, Texas Tech isn't the kind of school that will allow Tuberville to recruit the kind of athletes it's going to take to line up and play winning smash mouth football in the Big 12. Tech will almost certainly trend away from the explosive finesse offensive attack that Mike Leach pioneered under Tuberville's stewardship, and that's too bad for Texas Tech. Expect Tech to eventually be relegated to it's familiar role as perennial cellar dweller within five years. It's sad to watch a program that redefined offence in college football implode like Texas Tech has, but, such is the grand circle of life. Here's ESPN's take on it.
Friday, January 8, 2010
No virgins for you!
Terrorists in Afghanistan could be the new favorites to win this years Darwin award. Here's the story on how they shot their metaphorical wad too soon and blew themselves up. Praise be to Allah!
Isn't it about time that the world moved out of the counter-reformation?
The gay marriage debate in America is really getting stale. The United States of America is supposed to be the land of the free and yet, gays are not free to get married. I thought this graphic from The Atlantic was extremely telling. Apparently American's would rather have marriages that produce children with webbed feet than marriages between same-sex couples.
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